Victory Food

Food is a funny old beastie.

Some people are gourmands. They live by the consumption and the savouring of aesthetically pleasing cuisine. Often they die by it too.

Some people just see food as means to an end, and shovel in their maw any old shit that makes them feel full.

Some people gobble only yummy yummy junk food and put on a stone a month and perish at 50.

Some people maintain a more diligent, cautious approach and consume only the finest, cleanest, healthiest vegan keto organic biodynamic ethicalliest tasteless slop.

You know what, I tell a lie, these things do actually appear rather yummy.

I have been known to favour any of these on any given day. But my standard daily workhorse nutrient intake is something that over the years I’ve come to call Victory Food. For why? Because it’s bloody amazing, that’s for why. It makes me burst with energy and vigour and drive and ambition and good clean fun. It is the path to victory in all affairs.

What exactly is Victory Food? Glad you asked! I’ll take you through a few of the, er, quote-unquote “recipes” I’ve thrown together in recent times. I should warn you, these are basically the non-Soylent food equivalent of Soylent. These will not win any Best Presentation awards. They are slop. But they are phenomenally nutritious and nourishing slop.

Here’s a nice easy one to kick off:

Steamed broccoli/cauliflower/anything firm and steamable

Rinse and chop a head of broccoli or cauliflower or whatever you like. Chop them until each bit is bite-sized, then steam until they’re soft enough to chew comfortably while still having a nice firm crunch.

“What?” you may think. “That’s it? That’s all? Steamed veges?” Yeah, I know. Bear with me. They pair wonderfully with:

Mushrooms+other stuff

Here’s an image with, at the very least, a passing resemblance to what my victory food recipe here will look like. I would recommend against using a cast iron pan. They’re not big enough. Unless you can find a ginormous one. Then knock yourself out, son.

Ingredients

• 2–3L of mushrooms
• 1–3 onions
• ~50g of raw ginger root
• ~25g of raw turmeric root
• 10–30 cloves of garlic (or even more; there’s no upper limit! Multiple heads!)
• Soy sauce to taste.

Prep

Grab a huge mountain of whatever mushroom type you like. I do mean huge — mushrooms, when cooked, shrivel down to about a third their original volume. We’re cooking in bulk, and aiming for at least a litre volume of finished mushroom, so use lots and lots and even more lots. Slice them into 3–5mm thick slices. Don’t do any cooking with them yet, just leave them in a pile or in a bowl.

When saute-ing, onions make everything yummier, so first, chop and thinly slice a couple of onions. Put these aside too.

Ginger and turmeric: these plus garlic are the magic nutrient ingredients. The nutrient density of all three is through the goddamn roof. So don’t even dream of using the powdered form of either, or even from a jar. Raw. RAW. They must be raw. And use lots and lots. Finely dice your ginger and turmeric. I do mean finely. Get them into a near-paste. You can mix both piles if you like — you’ll be adding them together.

Garlic: just peeling dozens of cloves of garlic is a horrific chore. It always takes far longer than you think, so always do it before you start cooking. Chop your garlic too: one neat trick I like is to crush each clove under the flat of your knife. Keep your garlic pile separate from the other two, because you’ll be adding garlic right towards the end.

Now begin cooking your onions. Oh and use a wok. Or a huge stewing saucepan. Something bloody big. We’re cooking for multiple meals, in bulk, here. Low-medium heat. Standard saute-ing. Use whatever fat you like: I’m partial to butter, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I also like coconut oil, avocado oil, olive oil, ghee, it’s all good. Add the mountainous pastes of ginger and turmeric immediately, get them all mixed and cooking nicely.

When the onions are half-done, now it’s time to add the mushrooms. Add the lot, mix them up. They’ll immediately start rendering. Add lots of little dollops of fat; just enough to keep the pan from drying completely. You’ll add lots, but add it in many little dollops.

When the onions have finished rendering down, then start splashing soy sauce around. The salt from that flavours the mushrooms wonderfully.

And finally, garlic time! The reason I’d asked you to hold off on adding garlic is that, for biochemical reasons I’m not privy to, I’d heard somewhere that ginger and turmeric are built out of nutrients that are far more heat-stable than garlic. You can fry and zap them no problem, and they’re hardy and will stay nutritious. But not garlic. So you need to add your garlic right at the end of the cooking process. Add your garlic mountain. Mix it in thoroughly with everything else …

… And you’re done. Finished!

Spinach+other stuff

Again, here’s an image that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the actual meal under discussion.

Basically the same as mushrooms+other stuff, but with spinach or other leafy vege instead. And no soy sauce. At least for me. It doesn’t seem to go well with leaves. Feel differently? Go nuts with it then.

The other biggest difference is that leafy veges will render down even more than mushrooms. They’ll collapse to about 15–20% of their original volume. So seriously, use shitloads.

An actual finished meal of victory food will be any or all of these three staples in any proportions you like, plus any other non-victory food you like. I’m particularly partial to grating oceans of cheese over mine. Also just a bit of starch: rice or pasta is fabulous for that. Peas, corn (in moderation), even shock horror meat! Hoisin sauce, more soy sauce, ketchup, it’s all good. Enjoy.