How to make hundreds of clinicians pounce on your torso like ’90s supermodels on a Mars Bar

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Colleen asks

My birthday is on Friday. How should I celebrate? I already have scheduled a mammogram, vaginal ultrasound, and pelvic floor physical therapy appointment. Please no hookers and blow suggestions — be more creative than that.

My answer

Why not do what I do? Schedule simultaneous proctology and gynaecology appointments. Inform both doctors that they are duellists and your mid-section is their orificial Thunderdome and whoever conducts the most flamboyant and mightiest examination gets to keep you.

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