Grounding Mat Penis Snakes

I kept hearing good things about grounding mats and their health benefits, healthline.com/health/under-review-grounding-mats, so I bought one to see what the fuss was all about. (I bought a copy of Atlas Shrugged a while back, for the same reason.) They say you can tell it’s kicking in when your dreams start becoming more vivid. And boy did it deliver.

Last night’s dream involved, among other things, a gigantic and very smelly grizzly bear. I was in a forest clearing. It traipsed its way in, on its hind legs. It flopped down right on top of me. On its stomach. I was trapped underneath this vast hairy heffalump, with lungs like car-sized bellows. Picture that scene from Jurassic Park where Sam Neill flolloped on that triceratops’s tummy, but from underneath.

The bear was on its stomach, staring down at me, huge slavering jaws poised an inch from my face, meaty saliva dripping on me, for about five minutes.

After a while, dream-me said “I wish you could talk.”

“Oh I can totally talk,” said the bear. “I just wanted to see how you would react.”

At this, dream-me felt a tad nonplussed. Before I could reply, the forest clearing’s grassy ground morphed into a four-poster bed, with the bear and I still on its mattress. And from beneath the bed frame slithered a dozen snakes. But not just any old snakes, my goodness no. Brazilian penis snakes, for yes, such things do exist: https://news.mongabay.com/2012/08/penis-snake-discovered-in-brazil-is-actually-a-rare-species-of-amphibian/

So, grounding mats. Great fun. But not for the timid.